5 What If I Am Not God
A hot shower after a long day at the school would always relax him; every inch of his body could feel the warmth of the water. It truly relieved his tension and soothed the stiff muscles of him.
He could feel incredibly relaxed due to the warm sensation over his skin. The calming air around him also had a great part in giving him a feeling of tranquil.
Giichi would think about "the source of the creation" in that time with the relaxation sense he had.
But it wasn't an interesting issue for the new God — who had changed because of living in Giichi's body.
To be precise, the person who was taking a shower at that moment was neither God nor Giichi; he was a combination of both.
It was true that the soul inside of Giichi Takahashi's body belonged to the Lord, but still, he had the memories of Giichi and his physical body.
Living in a defective body — while being inside of an imperfect world — had been slowly changing him until it was quite sensible that God no longer had a great part in it.
By the time that the mortal world had changed him, he became a person different than Giichi, and less strict than God.
After he was done showering himself, he picked up a towel from a near bath towel bar and began to dry his wet body with it.
Subsequently, he dressed up as he then walked out of the bathroom.
Giichi Immediately sat on his chair after arriving in his room and began to set up a laptop on the table before him.
When the operating system started the boot process, Giichi decided to wait, even though it didn't take long for him to hear a sound, informing him of the end of the starting process.
He held the mouse with his right hand and moved it until the selection pointer reached a specific icon. By opening the browser, he clicked on the "History" section.
A page opened in another tab which contained various distinct titles. One could easily understand the contents of those tabs wouldn't be "appropriate" at all.
For a boy at his age, it was normal to look for "that" kind of things. He needed to relieve his sexual desire somewhere in the end. When the lust dominates the mind, this would naturally happen afterward.
God would never do such filthy things. But being in this lustful body was forcing him to do many filthy things which he had never imagined to do.
It was too embarrassing for the Lord. However, it couldn't be helped after all. He knew he had to accept it all as a natural action in his human life.
If God were still dominating Giichi Takahashi's heart, he would say: "Such filthy deeds... just as expected from disgusting humans." he would also put a disgusted expression on his human face.
But since he had already lost most of his characteristics as God, it was impossible for him to react to his own embarrassing actions.
Suddenly, a sound made him stop what he had been doing. With clicking on the "x" sign near the tabs, he closed them all with the speed of light and opened a new page with academic contents instead of those with inappropriate ones.
A person had opened the door of his room and had entered afterward.
"I'm gonna go out for a while, your lunch is ready in the dining room," Akane revealed.
As Giichi nodded, she walked out of the room. It had become quiet since her presence wasn't there anymore.
Giichi Takahashi abruptly sighed deeply. He no longer had the desire to continue as a result of her interruption.
If Akane had found out about what he had been doing, she would have put a disgusted and angry expression. He could completely understand what horrible situation could have happened because of that.
When Akane was angry, her wrath would put the Heavens and Earth in total chaos. Even God himself couldn't do anything about it; this was how he would think right then.
Being scared of the events which could have happened didn't let him notice his hunger for the moment.
However, when he remembered what Akane had told him, he started to leave his room.
As he reached the dining table, Giichi sat down and began to eat the lunch which his mother had prepared for him.
Being human had pleasures and troubles simultaneously. As Giichi Takahashi, he was able to enjoy tasting this delicious meal, though what would come after it was totally troublesome.
The first time he had to use the toilet because of inhabiting in this body, made the Lord so disgusted and angry that he could promise himself to never forgive any human. But it couldn't be helped at all. The process of excretion was completely essential for living creatures. He had to just get used to it.
Even after all of this time, it still would put him in an inconvenient situation.
It wasn't the only problem. He had been forced to experience many other humiliating and unbearable things from when he came to this body. Although he put away most of his personality as God, still these things were always bothering him. It seemed like even humans couldn't completely get used to these issues. They had no choice but to accept them as a part of their life.
All he could do was to blame his past self for creating humans like this. He didn't know someday he would end up in the same situation.
There were still many pleasurable things about humans which could soothe him. Still, they couldn't overcome the repetition that he felt in his life.
Every day, he would wake up from sleep, get ready for going to school, listen to the things he already knew at class, come back to home, eat his lunch, take a nap for a short time, then start eating again for the dinner, and finally sleep. And repeat all of these things from the beginning.
This cycle would never end; one day after another, he had to do these repetitive activities once again.
Thinking about doing those actions was also another thing which he would do every day. No matter how many times he had been thinking about it, still same thoughts would occur to him one after another.
"How much is such a life worth?" he asked himself.
A thought came to his mind forthwith. His power — of his past self — was so great. It was so intense which it would be impossible to limit it in a mortal form. But now that it had happened, he could only reach two results. One was that he had lost his powers completely. If it was the case, then it would be impossible to run from this repetitive and normal life.
However, there was also another conclusion. It could be that his power somehow is limited; hence, it was possible to reach a kind of supernatural power due to this fact.
But because of his ignorance and lack of information, he was not sure about it. All Giichi could do was to think about what he had known, and nothing else beyond his knowledge.
He looked at the seat beside him. Thereafter, he closed his eyes and concentrated. His purpose was to try if he could move it with some kind of fantastic power. The moment he opened those eyes to see if any change had occurred or not, the look of disappointment could be seen on his face.
"It's no use..." he sighed lightly.
After he had stood up and filled his lungs with the air of frustration — which existed around himself — another notion passed through his thoughts. But this one truly put him in panic.
"What if I'm not God?"
At first, it seemed far-fetched, but the more time passed, the more it would sound likely.
A boy getting so much crazy that he would think he is God. But why should he create such an illusion?
"Of course," he mumbled as he palmed his forehead, "because of his father."
"But can this be enough for him to go so much insane that he would think he is actually God?"
Now that he was thinking about it, it wasn't impossible at all. It could be the case.
His body was uncontrollably shaking due to an abrupt shock. He suddenly began to laugh so madly as though he was really a psycho.
"So, you're actually telling me that I'm just an insane kid? Huh...?" he shouted as his eyes had become widened. He was laughing frantically at the same time.
For a moment, a sound of clapping filled the atmosphere of the place. Giichi was clapping his hands in insanity.
That face without a doubt belonged to God. Giichi Takahashi could never put such an expression.
"Well done humans! Well done this world! You actually convinced me that I'd been a filthy human! You made me doubt my existence as God!"
It wasn't just his body which had been shaking for that while. His existence as God had been precarious, and his heart was throbbing much more rapidly than usual.
He neither stopped his laughter nor his clapping. He was nothing but a mad boy during that time.
The same chair beside him caught his eyes for a moment. He stopped laughing and began to move his hands in the air.
"Move! Just move you bastard!" he tearfully ordered.
The insane look on his face changed itself with a weeping one. One could describe him pitiful and pathetic right then.
"Please... Please... just move!"
The chair wouldn't even budge an inch. Nothing extraordinary could be seen, and he knew it would never happen. Even though, Giichi didn't stop his shouts, neither did he stop moving his hands in hope of some magical occurrence.
Simultaneously, those blue eyes were severely shedding tears of despair.
His emotions wouldn't let him rest even for a moment. They were forcing him to cry and shout forever. Nevertheless, his body had already reached its limit. Therefore, Giichi couldn't keep himself stood up any longer; he was just too weary to hold this pressure.
Giichi just fell on the seat, grasping strongly for the air.
An unprecedented thought suddenly came to his mind. He quickly stood up again and walked toward his room, picked his backpack and brought a notepad out of it. While putting it on his personal table, he chose a pen and started to write something.
"So I'm still able to solve these questions," he mentioned, nervously chewing the end of his pen.
He knew things which there was no way for Giichi Takahashi to know. It was a solid proof that he hadn't become crazy. There was no problem in the mathematics which he couldn't solve; he was even able to figure out those unsolvable questions.
Besides, he knew information which was impossible for this mad boy to be aware of.
However, all of these facts couldn't assure God. There was still a possibility for it to be true since still it could be explained due to some explanations.
He wanted this possibility to completely vanish; even the slightest chance would worry him and put him at a concern.
One thought after another occurred to God, but none of them surprised "Giichi Takahashi" more than this:
"If I died, what would happen? If I'm truly God, my divine soul will form its past shape; if not, I will vanish in the void."
Everyone would interpret those words as a motive for suicide. God wanted to suicide. It was the only way which he could get assured about his existence, though with risking on his life.
♦ ♦ ♦
By the time that he had been calmed down, he could sense the presence of a person in the house.
"Akane has come back." he thought.
Giichi Takahashi wanted to ignore everything else in that time. He wanted to get away from reality. It didn't matter if he had become crazy or not; it didn't matter who he had been, and who he had become.
The only thing which mattered was his present self and what he could do. He could cry forever, but it wouldn't change anything. He had to face with the reality without becoming uncontrollable due to his intense emotions.
The only block ahead of him in this path was the existence of God.
Giichi patiently walked toward the hall to welcome his mother who had just come back.
There was no trace of her. Instead, two men with cassock outfit could be seen strolling in the house. They didn't notice Giichi who was watching them during that time. Giichi's instincts warned him strongly the moment he observed them; the look on their face was too rough to contain amity. It could easily be said there is no goodwill in their appearance.
Giichi silently went back to his room and slowly closed the door. He was so much shocked that he didn't give much attention to their details.
Meanwhile, he could hear them conversing. Their tone was high enough for him to understand what they say from there.
"To think it took 4 years to find the rat's house."
It was a guttural voice; he could imagine a harsh person sending it out.
"The sorcerer is not here. I can't feel his presence."
The response had a truly different tone than the previous one. Unlike that rough voice, it was quite gentle.
"What about his family?"
"His wife is not present."
"Damn. They must have moved to another place."
"No, the son is still here, listening to us from his room."
The panic abruptly started to appear on Giichi's face. Everything was too sudden and surprising to be considered reality. Could all of this be another dream? Giichi didn't count on that.
He couldn't hide anywhere since that soft voice already had revealed his location, its speaker could find him immediately.
There also wasn't enough time; therefore, running from the window would be impossible.
The moment he found himself in this body, he would think it's impossible for anything else to surprise him. But the shocks had been coming one after another. And again he was in another shock, a sudden one.
There was no time; what could a smart man do in such a situation? A thought came to his mind instantly.
"I have to assure my future that this is not a dream."
After mumbling those words, he lowered the lamp on his table and readied himself to face his destiny.
As the sound of those steps was becoming loud and louder over time, the man behind the door would also get closer to him.
He felt drowsy as the door got opened. A silhouette of a man was standing in front of him, but he felt too sleepy to identify his appearance.
As his eyes began to get closed, and his body started to fall down on the floor, his ears could hear a voice:
"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."